“I’ve come to believe that if I hadn’t gone through this hurricane of emotions I wouldn’t be so strong and proud of myself as I am today.”
When I was younger I wondered why it was OK for girls to have their favorite Spice Girl, saying that Geri or Emma was their favorite because they were the prettiest and so on, but I couldn’t say which one of the Backstreet Boys I found the cutest?
I got teased because of it, and I remember it like it was yesterday. The cluelessness going through my head. I simply didn’t understand. Why was it so different? Why wasn’t it exactly the same thing? Why wasn’t I that into sports? Why didn’t I want to shoot fake guns and go out and play football? Why wasn’t that OK? Was I doing anything wrong? Somehow I just couldn’t relate to the things that were considered to be boyish.
During that period, when Spice Girls ruled the world and Backstreet Boys were the main boy band, I was their biggest fan and I was never ashamed of it. It was around that time that I was asked for the first time in my life if I was gay. I had heard, multiple times, that I was a girly boy by the boys in school but the word gay was unknown to me. I had never heard or even considered it.
Thankfully I was raised in a way that I should always be myself and that brings me to my subject.
Throughout the years I’ve developed as any other human being does. When I was eight years old I was pretty damn sure that I was in love with one of the girls in my class. I found kisses to be extremely interesting and I was unafraid to ask girls in my class to kiss me. I kissed a guy once in an early age, but that was of course just a part of a game (If we kiss, you kiss, get it?). I got closer and closer to figuring out who I was and what I was all about. I became a teenager when creating problems was a daily routine and a little dramatic towards life. My life and my world became a little darker in the process of breaking myself down. I started to create my own problems within myself and was constantly comparing myself with others.
For some unknown reason I tried to stand out in the crowd. I wore black, my eyes were smudged after black eyeliner and my skin was pale. My appearance turned heads and I faced criticism from people I passed in the streets of the little town I lived in. I was different, but behind a thick mask a sweet boy was hiding, confused and unaware of what was lying beneath.
Today I still don’t know why I acted out in this particular way, but I like to see it as the caterpillar that covers up in a pupa and then becomes a butterfly. After this period in my life, with help from my father, I found courage to take the steps to come out of the closet. This made me feel as free, new and whole as the butterfly does. I took a fresh breath of air, realised who I was and what I was all about, and got a new sense of life.
With help and inspiration from friends and family, I felt better. After the darkness I had been keeping myself in my world went from black and white into this colourful world where I still am today. I’m lucky enough to get nothing but sincere and amazing love and support from my family and friends, I couldn’t be more thankful for that.
Today I can’t help sharing my feelings about being a homosexual. For me it’s such a privilege to be the way that I am. I’ve come to believe that if I hadn’t gone through this hurricane of emotions I wouldn’t be so strong and proud of myself as I am today. It’s a beautiful feeling to be able stand with yourself and with who you are. No one can break me down when it comes to my sexuality. I experience love like any other person, I’m lucky enough to be head over heels in love and it’s the best feeling in the world. Love is something that everyone should have the right to feel and enjoy, no matter which gender, skin colour, religion or sexuality.
Let’s remember to open our minds to whatever we might be facing. There are so many girls and boys who are having the same feelings that I had, right now in various different ways. In whichever roles we play in someone’s life let’s try to inspire and encourage, that’s how we ultimately help.
Being who you really are is the best thing you can do for yourself. Using energy and evolving into becoming a better human being is just an icing on the cake. Coming out of the closet not only means accepting yourself but also learning to love yourself. Loving who you are gives you great strength.
It’s actually not just okay to be gay, it’s fantastic, beautiful and it’s fucking amazing!
– By Helgi Ómarsson