Hey there, we’re Ásar á Íslandi, the asexual and aromantic association of Iceland. Ever heard of us?
A few years back, you probably hadn’t even heard of the words “asexual” or “aromantic”, especially in Iceland. It was in 2017 that GayIceland first gave us a shout out – a huge moment for us. That article reached so many people who finally saw themselves reflected in our words.
Seven years on, a lot has changed. We’ve gone from being virtually unknown, to marching proudly in Pride, having regular meet-ups and gaining official Icelandic words for “asexual”, “aromantic”, and even “allosexual”.
But with visibility comes misunderstandings and even some discrimination. We’re happy to clear things up!
So, What Does It Mean to be Asexual (Ace) or Aromantic (Aro)?
- Asexual: Someone who experiences little or no sexual attraction. Aces might experience other types of attraction, such as aesthetic or romantic attraction, and some asexuals choose to label their romantic attraction separately, e.g. biromantic asexual. People who are not asexual are called allosexual.
- Aromantic: Someone who rarely or never experiences romantic feelings. They might want sex, or even a relationship, just not a romantic one. People who are not aromantic are called alloromantic.
Let’s Clear the Air and Bust Those Myths
What are the things we feel people get wrong most often?
- For aces, people often confuse libido and sexual attraction. Libido is more a physical need for a sexual release whereas sexual attraction is about who you’d want to have that release with. Many aces either just ignore their libido or prefer going solo, though some choose to have sex even without attraction.
- Another misconception is that asexuality is just celibacy. Celibacy is a choice, not something you are. Think of it like this: there’s a delicious treat, and you really want it but choose not to have it – that’s celibacy. The asexual person sees the treat but doesn’t feel compelled by it. It is simply not their treat of choice. Others may indulge, but the aces will pass, thanks.
- For aros, people think they just don’t feel love at all. Aros are capable of all kinds of love, just not romantic love. Our society puts romantic love on a pedestal, as if it’s more important than other types of love, such as friendship or familial love. Many also think that aros sleep around and break hearts left and right, but they are no more or less likely to do so than alloromantic people.
- For both aros and aces, people think we are missing out on life. We see it more like not liking a specific flavor of ice cream. We’re not really missing out just because we don’t like that one particular flavor.
- Aces and aros must be lonely. There is a loneliness epidemic in our society today, but it doesn’t necessarily affect us more than anyone else. In fact, we think everyone would benefit from nurturing good friendships.
We’ve had our members tell us how relieved they were to find out they weren’t broken after being told for years that they probably had trauma, needed hormone therapy, or would become interested in sex when they found true love – or on the flip side, fall in love if they had sex with one person enough times. We’re here to tell you that you don’t need fixing.
Finding Our Place in the Queer Community
In general, we’ve been welcomed with open arms by the queer community, and Samtökin ‘78 has especially helped us along the way. Some aces and aros don’t feel like they belong under the queer umbrella, for example heteroromantic asexuals may present outwardly as “straight.”
We’ve heard similar stories from bisexuals who are in hetero-presenting relationships. Their identity is erased by their circumstances, seen as either gay or straight. We want to put an end to that. Your identity is valid no matter who you are or are not dating!
The Bisexual-Ace/Aro Connection
At some point, many aces or aros think they must be bi because they feel the same amount of attraction to all genders. Which is technically correct, only that sexual attraction is slim to none.
Then they find that they can be attracted to neither and bingo! We have a winner—ace or aro identity discovered!
Better Late Than Never: Embracing Asexuality and Aromanticism
It’s hard to know if you’re ace or aro if you’ve never heard of the concept. Many never got any information about asexuality or aromanticism growing up and somehow stumbled upon it later in life. In a society that expects everyone to fall in love, have sex, and have babies, many tried so hard to fit in, often to their own detriment: having sex without really wanting it or getting into relationships that felt more stifling than supportive. We hope that with more visibility and education, no one will be forced to experience that again.
The Poly-Ace/Aro Connection
Some aces and aros have found that they’re also polyamorous and enjoy having multiple partners or allowing their partner to be with others. This can work out great for some, letting a partner fulfill their romantic or sexual needs with someone else. Polycules are generally becoming increasingly popular in queer spaces, with some jokingly blaming it on the price of rent these days.
Many aces are still monogamous though and those who are in a relationship with an allosexual person are often called selfish for not wanting sex. One might counter, “Isn’t it selfish to force your partner into sex?” But here’s the thing: if the people in a relationship are okay with not having sex, whether they’re ace or not, then why is that a problem? The couple is happy, even if not everyone gets it, and that’s okay.
Bottom line: no partner, one partner, many partners – it’s all about setting boundaries and respecting them. If everyone involved is happy with the arrangement, things are good.
We offer a safe and welcoming space for everyone to explore their identity, build community, and challenge misconceptions. If you relate to the asexual or aromantic labels, even if you’re not completely sure, you’re welcome in our group.
Are You Looking for Us?
The journey to understanding and acceptance is ongoing, but we’re excited about the progress we’ve made. With continued visibility, education, and support, we believe that Iceland can be a place where everyone, regardless of their romantic or sexual orientation, feels free to be themselves.
We’re here, we’re queer (in our own way), and we’re not going anywhere. Ásar á Íslandi is proud to be a voice for the ace and aro community in Iceland. We’re building a future where everyone feels seen, heard, and understood. We’ve had our members tell us how relieved they were to find out they weren’t broken after being told for years that they probably had trauma, needed hormone therapy, or would become interested in sex when they found true love – or on the flip side, fall in love if they had sex with one person enough times. We’re here to tell you that you don’t need fixing.
Curious to learn more? Want to connect with other aces and aros in Iceland? Join us at Ásar á Íslandi. We offer a safe and welcoming space for everyone to explore their identity, build community, and challenge misconceptions. If you relate to the asexual or aromantic labels, even if you’re not completely sure, you’re welcome in our group. Look us up, visit our website, or find us on social media to get involved.
Note: The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the various authors and forum participants on www.gayiceland.is do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of the editorial staff of www.gayiceland.is or official policies of the editorial staff.