Alda Villiljós talks about being bullied and how therapy and really communicating with their past self has helped them reconcile their inner child with who they are today.
In a facebook post of their own, Alda Villiljós recounted stories of bullying that’s still affecting them to this day. Alda has been a community leader and activist for many years through their work with Trans Ísland, Samtökin ‘78, and Non-Binary Iceland (Kynsegin Ísland). Speaking out about bullying, Alda opened up about the relationship they’ve been building with their inner child. Through the transformative process of therapy and really communicating with their past self, Alda has reconciled their inner child with who they are today. “I’ve been doing some very intense work with my therapist, including finally admitting the amount of damage school bullying did on my psyche,” says Alda.
It’s not that bad, right?
For Alda growing up with bullying wasn’t that bad compared to stories they heard of other kids facing more abusive bullies. This made it easier to think “well I actually have it pretty good,” which minimized the trauma that they did go through. Adult Alda says it’s super important to recognize that just because you were bullied less than other kids in your class or in your age, your experience is still just as valid and has the same impact on your life. Sadly, it’s common for many victims of all types of abuse who compare their abuse to other kinds they see and say “well I didn’t have it that bad.”
Catholic school blues
In primary school Alda attended Landakotsskóli, a Catholic school. They said this isolated them a bit as a teen because the school didn’t have the same funding to take kids on trips that public schools went on. Even the class size was smaller, just one group for each grade. This made it easier for bullying to be concentrated in one room instead of spread across a larger grade. ”I came into the class in 2nd grade so everyone else had already bonded for 1st grade. I was already this outsider,“ says Alda.
“From then on I was always collecting other new kids into my group as soon as they arrived.” Alda attended the school because they were gifted in reading and other skills beyond most kids their age, so in a way they were ostracized for that. Then there was the bullying for being anything remotely queer. “My friend remembers this so much better than me and she said there was a lot of homophobic bullying, which she was like more androgenous presenting so she got more of the attacks for that.” Sadly, Landakotsskóli has its own history of mistreatment with faculty members abusing students which has haunted the school, even when Alda was attending in the 90’s.
It gets better and therapy really helps
Following primary school, Alda moved on to Menntaskóli Hamrahlíð and really started to blossom. “I came out bisexual in my first year of Menntaskóli so it was all uphill from there,” says Alda.
They walk us through how these traumatic experiences can really stay buried with us for years. “I’ve got an incredible therapist and she uses a model that’s called Ego State, and the idea is that when you have a traumatic experience, let’s say even you’re five years old and you get lost in the mall away from your mom … That’s a traumatic experience. When that happens a part of the brain gets stuck in that moment as its own thing and then later on when you’re an adult and you’re at a festival and get separated from your friends and all of the sudden this five year old kid takes over your brian, and that’s why you panic.” Through the hard work of inner reflection and therapy, Alda has made incredible progress toward repairing these parts of their past.
“There was a lot of homophobic bullying, which she was like more androgenous presenting so she got more of the attacks for that.”
Hey little me, how ya doing?
For Alda, the best part about analyzing all this was creating a special relationship with their inner child, their past self. In their original Facebook post they elaborated about “when I first started talking to this part of me just over a year ago, it took such a long time for them to accept that we’re the same person. They could never have imagined someone so radically different, living out so many identities and looks and projects they hardly dared daydream about for fear of being bullied for it. It wasn’t until my therapist suggested my inner child might want to wear something else or look different, that it clicked for the inner child. The overwhelming and pure sense of freedom as we cut their hair, got cool, masculine or gender neutral clothing. After that they were ready to accept me as the present version of them” says Alda.
Creating their own language
After moving back to Iceland in 2014, Alda started brainstorming non-gendered language. Having learned and used pronouns in English and Swedish, Alda was surprised to see how little Icelandic had to work with and was intimidated to move back as someone who’s non-binary. “At the time it was typical to simply use “it” (það) for someone who didn’t fit into either “he” (hann) or “she” (hún)” says Alda. To improve this situation, they got together a simple group chat to discuss the 3rd gender pronoun in Icelandic. This conversation later snowballed into community organizing and Alda founded Non Binary Iceland (Kynsegin Ísland). An article they wrote later ignited the conversation on this and Iceland’s 3rd pronoun was born, “hán” (they/them).
Today, that work continues through many organizations and Alda’s projects with Samtökin ‘78. As an activist, they helped start a word competition called Hýryrði in 2015 to crowdsource queer words in Icelandic. These words have made their way into mainstream use, publications, and been used in the rule of law to better describe more people in the queer family. The competition is now running again to help generate better terminology for non-binary people in Icelandic.
To get to know Alda better you can find their work at:
Alda’s Activist Page
Trans Iceland
Non Binary Iceland
Namm Vegan Treats
Alda’s Photography
Witchcraft Podcast
Astrology and Witchy Things
See also: Óliver is far from alone – A national conversation on bullying and queer stories of bravery