In a society that often champions monogamy as the default relationship structure, finding space for alternative approaches to love and relating can feel challenging. For Ástrós Erla Benediktsdóttir, embracing polyamory has been a deeply personal journey, one she now hopes to share with others.
To create a sense of belonging and understanding, Ástrós, alongside two others counsellors at Samtökin ’78, recently founded a support group for queer polyamorous individuals, which is run by Samtökin ’78 in Reykjavík. The next meeting is scheduled for the 20th of February, and the group is already making a significant impact.
What is Polyamory?
For Ástrós, polyamory means that she allows herself to fully embrace her whole self, allowing herself to follow her heart and intuition and sometimes that means that I can be attracted to or love more than one person at a time. Her journey of understanding began with a TED Talk that described polyamory as the capacity to love multiple people, much like we love family members or children. “You don’t divide love into percentages; you love each one fully, even if the feelings are different,” she recalls. Hearing this resonated deeply with her and marked a turning point in her life. “For the first time, I felt seen and understood for this part of me as I have always felt that I have such a big heart and therefore feel that love is limitless.”
Polyamory, she explains, isn’t limited to romantic or sexual relationships. For her it’s about embracing connections- whether emotional, platonic, or energetic. Discovering this way of being helped Ástrós realize that her feelings were valid. “Society often tells us that having feelings for more than one person is wrong, but discovering polyamory was incredibly liberating for me,” she shares.
A Space for Reflection and Growth
Ástrós believes that every person we encounter reflects aspects of ourselves, offering opportunities for growth and self-discovery. “When I’m drawn to someone, I’m not just connecting with them- I’m uncovering deeper layers of who I truly am,” she explains. Connections with others and relationships can sometimes trigger unresolved wounds, but Ástrós sees this as part of getting to know yourself better and reconnecting to our true self. “Relationships, whether romantic or platonic, can be powerful spaces for self-growth.”
Her reflections on polyamory date back to her teenage years, when she first began questioning societal norms around love and attraction. “I often felt shame for being drawn to more than one person,” she says. “I learned from society that these feelings were wrong. But the more I explored, the more I realized that monogamy isn’t for everyone.”
Breaking Free from Societal Norms
She continues: “As I began to fully embrace who I am—my emotions, desires, and individuality- I found myself growing stronger in my convictions. I now have a clear understanding of who I am, my dreams, and my goals, and I actively pursue them. Rather than conforming to societal norms, I focus on creating the reality I want to live in.”
Coming out as polyamorous felt like a second coming out.
Society’s double standards around relationships have long frustrated Ástrós. For a long time i.e. “Women have been expected to find a male partner, which preferably becomes a husband and from there they are expected to be entirely devoted to their husbands or partners and therefore not have any interest, emotions, feelings or even in some cases contact with other man. This can as well apply for other genders, in some form or even all” she observes. Breaking free from these expectations requires immense courage and self-reflection. “For years, I carried shame and self-criticism for not conforming, but discovering polyamory helped me reclaim my sense of self.”
Creating a Community
The idea for Ástrós’s support group emerged about a year ago. Initially held back by fear of judgment and ridicule by society, friends and family, she focused on accepting and loving herself fully before taking action and opening up to her closest ones. “This group is about creating a safe and supportive community,” she explains. “It’s not about dating or finding partners; it’s about belonging and sharing our stories.”
The group meets at Samtökin ’78 and is open to anyone curious about polyamory or already exploring it. “Whether you’re new to polyamory or have been in polyamorous relationships for years, this is a space for you,” she says.
What Happens at Meetings?
Meetings are informal but structured. Participants have a chance to introduce themselves and share about themselves or their journey fostering a sense of connection and mutual understanding. “Hearing others say, ‘I’ve felt that way too’ or, “I connect with that” creates such a powerful sense of community,” Ástrós says. While natural connections may form, the primary focus is on personal and communal growth.
So far, the group has held two meetings, attracting about 12 participants initially and about 20 at the second session. “The turnout exceeded our expectations,” Ástrós shares. “It’s clear there’s a want and a need for this kind of space.”
Overcoming Challenges
Navigating societal judgments and the fear of it remains a challenge for Ástrós and many others in the polyamorous community. “Coming out as polyamorous felt like a second coming out,” she admits. While most of her friends and family have been supportive, the fear of rejection persists. “Judgment is always a possibility, but I’ve learned to embrace being ‘out of the box’ as doing that I keep true to myself and who I am. My journey to self-acceptance and self love has given me the ability to fully be and embrace who I am and not be afraid to show it.”
The turnout exceeded our expectations. It’s clear there’s a want and a need for this kind of space.
Plans for the Future
Looking ahead, Ástrós hopes to expand the group’s offerings to include educational events on topics such as navigating relationships, managing family dynamics, and dealing with societal misunderstandings, navigating multiple relationships, communication, boundaries for self and others, expectations and normal feelings. “For now, we’re focusing on building a stable, safe and supportive outlet for poly people to connect better to themselves and build a community for us together” she says. “There’s so much potential to grow.”
A Message of Belonging
At its core, the group is about fostering safety, belonging, and acceptance. “We all deserve to be surrounded by people who celebrate us for who we are,” Ástrós says. “By sharing our stories and creating these communities, we empower ourselves and others to live authentically.”
The next meeting of the polyamory support group will take place on the 20th of February at Samtökin ’78 in Reykjavík. To learn more, visit Samtökin´78 on Facebook or the Facebook groups Poly á Íslandi or Poly Iceland.