In a few days from now, the members of Samtökin ‘78, the queer national organisation of Iceland, will have a chance to vote again for or against the acceptance of The Icelandic national BDSM organization as a member-organization.
As stated in S78’s laws, any organization that aims to protect human rights and has agendas that co-align with theirs can apply for such co-membership. The Icelandic national BDSM organization already shares many of its members with S‘78 and fights to remove the stigma surrounding BDSM and support its members if faced with discrimination on grounds of their sexual identity. Formal co-operation with S‘78 seems logical. Similar co-operation has proven to be beneficial in Norway for example. As many of you know, the matter is being voted for again because there are some members in S’78 who are adamantly against the coalition and feel that BDSM has nothing to do with being queer. So be it. I identify as BDSM-oriented. I think I am queer, but heck, I might be wrong. Let’s vote for it again.
After the results of that first vote were in, we who dare call ourselves BDSM-oriented rejoiced and cried and called each other on the phone to spread the news (even if we were driving, which is illegal so I’ll deny it in court). We almost burst of happiness. Many of us are also gay or trans or both and now felt totally included at last. Our many friends and allies within S78 congratulated us and made us feel welcome. That made us cry even more (I can be a bit overly emotional at times, don’t judge me). We felt that this was a great step. We knew that there was some opposition, but we felt confident that we could win everybody over if we just got a chance to explain and educate. Time would be on our side. We knew that those who voted against us didn’t do so out of spite, they just didn’t understand us. We understand. We haven’t been in control of our own public image for the last thirty years or so and have been portrayed as silly sex-maniacs or mindless gimps again and again in popular media. We have let that happen, because we haven’t dared to speak up before. We were closeted and afraid.
“So are we really queer? Yes. It depends of course on what definition of queer you use, but there is science that supports it.”
So what are we then? This is a tough question because we are such a diverse group of people who do all sorts of things to fulfill our various desires at very different levels of intensity. BDSM is in a way like a huge buffet of strange delicacies. To many, most of the stuff just looks too weird to even try. Some like one or two dishes and stick to them while others are willing to try everything and might love many strange flavours. For some, this metaphor sums BDSM up rather nicely. It is fun and desirable but not vital. You don’t really need cured ram-testicles in your life to be happy, but it sure does help. For others, this metaphor is flawed, because although it describes the varied nature of BDSM, it does not convey how deeply rooted it can be in one’s sexual identity. It is not that long ago that people started to use words like orientation and identity about BDSM.
Orientation used to mean that you were either straight, bi or gay. We stood outside all this, not really caring about any of it, because it did not seem relevant. Only in the last few years, as the definitions of gender identity and sexual identity have been expanded to include lots of things, an ever-growing part of our community has realized that we just might be queer.
BDSM has long been portrayed as something a bit dark and dangerous and just to make things even more complicated, some of us like it that way and do not want others to know too much about us. The secrecy itself can be a part of some people’s “kink”. Some of the 30 percent of us that identify as straight don’t want to be labelled queer at all and have gotten used to calling BDSM a lifestyle and want to keep it that way. This is all good, because when it comes to identifying oneself, you really can’t be wrong. BDSM is on a scale, just like homosexuality. To me, BDSM is no doubt the most defining aspect of my sexual identity. That is not the case with everyone that circle the buffet.
So are we really queer? Yes. It depends of course on what definition of queer you use, but there is science that supports it, you can google it if you want to or you can just take my word for it.
If I use myself as an example, I just do not function in an intimate relationship without my aspect of BDSM involved. I am attracted to men. I love beards, rough hands, sculpted calves and all that masculine stuff. Mostly though, I am attracted to self-assured, strong-willed people with an aura of assertiveness about them; dominant people (and it certainly doesn’t hurt if they want to hurt me). If given the hypothetical choice of a normal relationship with the perfect man (think Ewan McGregor in a kilt) or a BDSM relationship with a dominant woman, warts and all, I would choose her sooner than you can say: “Yes Mistress”. My own gender identity is also less vital to me than BDSM. I have a vagina so it’s simpler to be a woman. I am a rock-hard feminist but my status of womanhood is not important to me. Being queer isn’t a competition, but I think I just won it.
Main photo: “BDSM collar back” by Grendelkhan – originally uploaded from the English Wikipedia by Grendelkhan on 27 Aug 2004.
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