Haukur Guðmundsson on returning to the camera, body image, and learning to live without regret.
In the midst of 2015 I was in a cafe in Reykjavik. I had moved there a few months earlier and was meeting with a group of queer people who were deep in the throes of putting together a monthly drag variety show which would later become one of the most successful queer nights in the country, known as “Drag Súgur.” The main topic between the gay men in the group, however, wasn’t the order of queens for the show, it was about a photoshoot coming to Iceland. A number of us had been contacted by a photographer on Instagram. He was putting together a new kind of photography-based magazine for male attracted people that seemed to be part travel diary, part body-positive art; and the title of the magazine was an Icelandic word, Elska.
Elska magazine had already released its first issue, based in Lviv, Ukraine, and Reykjavik was set to be its third release. The quality and concept of the magazine promptly had the small community of gay men in Reykjavik buzzing about if they had been asked to participate, would they do it, and how naked they thought they would get.
Elska is the creation of photographer Liam Campbell and the publication is dedicated to sharing honest and diverse photography and storytelling from around the world. The editorial line of the publication focuses on a passion for travel, naked men and unfiltered honesty and embracing the beauty of imperfection.
When I look at the pictures from 10 years ago, I can’t see anything wrong with them. Back then, I wasn’t happy with some of them.
I was one of the men photographed for that issue of the mag, and even ended up being the front cover image. I can say from personal experience that at the time I don’t think any of us knew how far-reaching the touch of this magazine would extend. More than a decade after that afternoon photoshoot, I still get sent pictures and screenshots from people who have spotted me on a coffee table, in a bookshop or even hanging on someone’s wall. What was unique about this experience is that, I don’t think any one of the men in that magazine ever really thought of themselves as the subject of this kind of publication. To be considered as a worthy subject for the kind of magazine that would normally be in a bookshop next to other front covers with almost exclusively homogenic muscle gods; each with almost the same level of body fat (almost none), was a wild prospect for most of us. I believe this is exactly what has made Liam’s magazine so successful. It shows a level of diversity in body types and backgrounds that has almost been completely absent from this media for most of our lives.
Elska has now been in regular publication for more than 10 years. Its issues have practically circled the globe, visiting more than 53 cities. It has been available in paperback, e-format and even has companion issues and special editions. One new project from Elska’s creator is called Næs (also an Icelandic word, that means, well, “nice”). In Næs, Campbell is able to explore a bit more without sticking to the rules of Elska. Traditionally Elska magazine never shoots in the same city twice, never shoots the same guy twice, and any text must be connected to the city. With Næs, Liam is able to play a bit more and with the very first issue of this print zine, he revisited the land of fire and ice.
The cover image of the first issue of Næs is actually a model who was featured in the Reykjavík issue, Haukur Guðmundsson. I was lucky enough to catch up with Haukur to find out more about what it’s like to be photographed again 10 years later.
GayIceland: Can you start by giving a bit of an introduction to yourself?
Haukur: “I never use my full first name. I go by Haukur. I’m 44. I grew up in the south of Iceland until I was 17 and then I moved to Reykjavik. I’m a physiotherapist specialised in cancer rehabilitation, but for the past five years I have been working for a digital health company. In my freetime, I am a Buddhist and I have been since I was 16. I just became the cochair of the buddhist association Soka Gakkai in Iceland. I like to go to the gym and work out regularly. I love all animals, even though I’m allergic to cats and dogs; so my only pets are frogs.”
GayIceland: So the first time you were featured in Elska magazine it was about 10 years ago. When you look at both shoots together, what has changed the most about the experience and what was still the same?
Haukur: “When I was reading the interview that Liam did with me 10 years ago for the original feature I realised a lot of things haven’t changed. I’m still a buddhist, I’m still really into Star Trek. I still have all the same hobbies and interests. Of course I was in a relationship back then and I’m not now. My ex was actually also in that edition. Liam had reached out to us separately and didn’t actually know we were a couple. I think the weirdest part for me is that it doesn’t feel like 10 years ago. It feels like a much shorter time has passed.”
GayIceland: Does the person you see in the pictures from 10 years ago still feel like you?
(he pauses and thinks very carefully before pulling out the older copy)
Haukur: “Hold on, I need to have a look at the pictures and think about that.”
(he takes his time to reflect while looking at the images)
Haukur: “Kind of. I’m surprised about some things that I felt like hadn’t changed that much and others that I thought had changed but not really that much. I think the experiences of being photographed were different. The first time I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. This time I kind of assumed that it would be the same as the last time but it wasn’t. The weather in particular was very different. It was really windy and raining a lot. It was cold both times that I was shot but this time it was almost impossible to stay outside for very long because it was just too cold.
Also comparing the shooting locations, the last time, the shoot was only outdoors, this time some of the shots were in my home.
Beating yourself up or self-punishment is never going to result in anything mentally good for you.
Also a big change would be that the last time I was photographed all the pictures were completely clothed; I didn’t even take my shirt off. This time around, you could say there was a little bit more shown. I think I was probably in better shape the first time but I was more self-conscious then, so I was never going to show some skin. I wasn’t even shirtless.”
GayIceland: Having seen both sets of images, it’s difficult to imagine that you felt so self-conscious. You could say that most people would love to have the body you have.
Haukur: “I remember specifically not wanting to take off my shirt back then and this time I decided to challenge myself a bit more. I didn’t really know how I would feel about doing these kinds of things.
I have done some photoshoots before that were a bit challenging for me. I remember back around 2007 when I had just graduated as a physio. There was an advertisement for Iceland Air. They wanted two men to pose as a couple in one of their shots at the blue lagoon. A gay dancer I knew had suggested me as the person to pose with him. In the shot we were just in the distance, you could see that it’s us but we weren’t immediately visible. We’re in the blue lagoon so we are shirtless and looking like a couple having a nice time. The vibe was sort of romantic like we might be about to kiss. I think the only reason I was ok with doing the shoot was that we were told that the shots were never going to be used in Iceland. So when the first chance came around to do the Elska shoot, I didn’t even want to be shirtless because I knew there was a possibility the images could be seen where I live.
Funny enough, when last photos came out around 10 years ago, a friend sent me a screenshot from a French magazine. I was still being used in an Iceland Air commercial.”
GayIceland: How would you say your relationship with your body has changed between the shoots?
Haukur: “It’s always been challenging. When I was younger I always felt very unattractive and out of shape. There were even small things that were hard during the shoot 10 years ago. Some of the t-shirts I was wearing were a bit tight and I remember feeling it was too revealing and I was really self-conscious of it. Over time I have learned to embrace myself just a little bit more. Of course it doesn’t mean I’m absolutely thrilled with the way that I look. I think what has changed is that I’ve learned to be more self-compassionate.
Ten years ago I would put myself through more extreme ways of getting into shape. Whatever method I was using, it would always cause a lot of mental distress that I wasn’t even aware of. I’ve really learned that beating yourself up or self-punishment is never going to result in anything good for you be it mentally or physically. I’ve really gotten to a point where I can spot it the moment I start to beat myself up for the way that I look and try to remind myself that I would never treat my friends, family or anyone that I love like this so why should I do it to myself.”
GayIceland: Being photographed again, did it feel like you were revisiting a past version of yourself, or that you were claiming new space for the person that you are today?
Haukur: “I would say it was a little bit of both. Like I said before, the second time I just sort of assumed it would be exactly the same experience. Having said that, I really did decide to challenge myself a little bit more this time around. I am a huge believer in body positivity and people being proud of themselves and happy. I’m sure lots of people will understand that it’s really easy to want that for other people but it can be really hard to do that for yourself. This is precisely why I chose to go show more skin in these images.
It’s really easy to want body positivity for other people, but it can be very hard to do that for yourself.
I have to be really honest and say that for me, when I look at these new pictures, I don’t LOVE seeing them at all. However, when I look at the pictures from 10 years ago, I can’t see anything wrong with them; back then, I wasn’t too happy with some of them. So I know that I don’t love looking at these recent pictures of myself now, but I’m hoping that in another 10 years, I’ll love them.”
GayIceland: It almost reminds me of that time Moira Rose told Stevie in Schitts Creek:
Take a thousand, naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, “Oh, I’m too spooky.” Or, “Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies.” But, believe me, one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, “Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!”
Haukur: “Yes that’s exactly the sentiment, and so much can happen in such a short time too.”
GayIceland: When you talk about looking back at your body with more kindness over time, it’s striking to remember that even before that first Elska shoot, your body had already been through something significant.
Haukur: “Yes I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma 20 years ago this month. I was actually doing clinical rotation in a hospital while I was training as a physiotherapist and one of my colleagues mentioned that she needed to get better at feeling lymph nodes. I had a big one and told her she could feel mine, after she did it led to more people being pulled in to investigate. Within a week I had been completely diagnosed and given a treatment plan. For me at the time it was crazy because I was only 24 and just starting my life and I had no idea if this was something I could handle.
It was a real shock for me but cancer actually helped me to find direction in my career. Before then, as a physio, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my education. I realised that there was so much that could be done for people with cancer. It’s how I became interested in cancer rehabilitation. I think within a year of graduating I started working with the cancer rehabilitation centre as the first physio and worked there for 12 years. Today the centre has multiple trainers and a fully equipped gym, so taking part in setting that up was just wonderful.
We have this term in Buddhism, hendoku-iyaku. It basically means, “Turning poison into medicine.” The idea is to take pain, suffering or something unpleasant and create some value out of it. I’m not saying that everyone who goes through something traumatic needs to live in that trauma and make a career out of it. Gaining value from it can just simply be appreciating that you’re still here and being more present in your life. For me I just had an opportunity with the studies that I had done to make something positive come from this challenging experience in my life.”
GayIceland: How does going through something like that change the relationship you have with your body?
Haukur: “I think in the 20 years since my diagnosis. I have of course had 20 more years of life-experience. I think it teaches you more about how mortal you are and how fleeting life can be. I’m 44 now and I think most people have lost someone unexpectedly when they get to my age so for me it’s a matter of having this one life to live. I do believe as a buddhist that life is eternal but I still think this one life we are living in is sacred and will never be replaced and will never come back. So putting all this in mind, it has become very important for me to not live with regrets. My biggest fear in life is that at the end of my life I will have regretted it. So that is why I don’t want to give up an opportunity to experience something new, even if it is seen as ridiculous or even vain. Sometimes I feel like I’m not allowed to enjoy these projects because it’s too much vanity; but I do like that I took both of these opportunities.”
GayIceland: Elska is positioned as a more body positive publication, this term does have lots of different meanings to different people. What does body positivity mean to you?
Haukur: “I think for me it means being kind to yourself. Having self-compassion for your body, the way it is in this moment. Too many of us, especially gay men, are constantly talking ourselves down, hating ourselves for not having the picture perfect body. I also think that if you are kinder to yourself about your body, you’re probably more likely to treat it better.
I can only speak for myself, but I do know that the more I hate my body, the worse I treat it. I think if I just spend all my time telling myself how fat and ugly I am, I will overeat more, I will crash diet, I will go to extremes in one direction or the other.
I don’t want to give up an opportunity to experience something new, even if it’s seen as ridiculous or vain.”
It took me a long time to be able to step back and stop looking at food as something to fear and avoid. It’s only really been in the last couple of years that I was able to get out of some of these vicious cycles.”
GayIceland: Thank you for sharing that with us. I’m sure you understand that a lot of people reading this article might see your pictures and be a bit surprised that the person in these images has these thoughts about their body. Objectively, in the most non-creepy way I can say it, you look good.
Haukur: “That’s very kind of you to say. We all have these thoughts, I think gay men especially. You know, I often remember something a stand up comedian said at a show I saw. He was talking about all of this stuff; hating your body, not being kind to yourself physically. He said that a lot of this changed for him when he met his husband. It was the first time in his adult life he felt like someone was into him physically, as he was. He didn’t need to change anything about himself.
This resonates with me so much because I know that I have fallen into the trap of trying to change myself physically so that someone else will approve of me. I’ve been on dates with men in the past who have said things like, “you’re cute, but you’d be cuter if you did x,y,z”. Or even guys insinuating that I’m too pale, or saying that I’m good looking for a ginger, or that I’m not hairy enough. You know, I can’t change these things.
Since I heard this comedian say this, I have actually experienced just that. I’ve experienced situations where I know that someone likes me exactly how I am and that’s such a beautiful thing to feel.”
Næs 01 (Restless Relentlessy) is available here it can be purchased alone or as part of a bundle with a new reissue of Elska Akureyri. To keep up to date with future issues and shoots from Elska, make sure you follow its official instagram or check out the website.