Relationship coach, mother, activist, and queer woman Þórhildur Magnúsdóttir speaks to GayIceland about what polyamory has taught her about intimacy, parenting, heartbreak — and the radical power of being honest with yourself.
How new love begins
When Þórhildur Magnúsdóttir first heard the word polyamory, it landed like a spark. A friend described opening her relationship in a respectful, honest, and exciting way.
“I had only seen open relationships in a very limited way — usually focused on sex, often secretive, never really respectful,” Þórhildur recalls. “This was the first time I saw it as something grounded in care and connection.”
We started off as fully polyamorous from the beginning. It didn’t make sense to me to try to get more freedom yet also try to censor my feelings or the connections that I would have.
As a bisexual woman who had been with her husband since they were teenagers, the idea opened a door she hadn’t known existed. She realized she wanted to explore her bisexuality and have more freedom in connecting deeply with people, without censorship or guilt.
When monogamy stopped being enough
After the birth of their first child, Þórhildur and her husband found themselves overwhelmed and disconnected.
“We were stretched thin — new parents, both in intense university studies,” she says. “That was the first time when we could feel that our relationship was under pressure and we needed to work on it.”
During this time, she developed feelings for someone else — a moment that challenged her faith in monogamy’s supposed security.
“I didn’t have an affair, but the feelings were intense, and it really woke us up to pay more attention to our relationship,” she shares.
Instead of ignoring those feelings, they leaned into open, honest conversation. The experience taught them that even within commitment, desire for others can arise — and that it doesn’t have to be a threat if met with care.
Starting from truth
They chose to begin polyamory without rigid rules.
“I didn’t want to set out into non-monogamy with the rule or intention to not have feelings for somebody else,” she says. “We started off as fully polyamorous from the beginning. It didn’t make sense to me to try to get more freedom yet also try to censor my feelings or the connections that I would have.”
At first, they kept it private to protect this new, tender chapter. Over time, secrecy faded as they grew in confidence and trust.
The personal growth that you can get out of it, being honest, and accepting yourself and others is always going to bring you so much growth and so much experience.
Jealousy is just another feeling
For Þórhildur, jealousy isn’t an enemy — it’s a guide.
“I actually welcome it,” she says. “I actually celebrate when I feel jealous and I really celebrate whatever it’s trying to show me.”
She sees it as a messenger, revealing insecurities or unmet needs. Sometimes she shares these feelings with her partner; other times, she processes them alone. If a partner’s jealousy becomes overwhelming, she encourages them to seek support elsewhere first, respecting each person’s space and emotional responsibility.
Parenting with honesty
Raising two boys, now 8 and 13, Þórhildur and her husband have chosen honesty from the start.
They began with conversations about different sexual orientations and later introduced the idea that not all relationships must be monogamous.
“We briefly introduced it to them in the form of, ‘Well, some people have the rule that you can only have a crush on one person, that you can only have one girlfriend or one boyfriend, and we just don’t really have that rule.’ And that was really all the explanation,” she says.
“They were like, ‘Okay, cool.’ It didn’t bother them at all.”
Her children have met her partners as trusted family friends, not parental figures. Her younger son, for example, recently asked when her boyfriend would visit again — simply excited to see someone he likes.
Love as a practice, not a promise
Since opening her marriage, Þórhildur has experienced both great love and loss.
“I’ve had three important and deep connections since we opened our marriage, and they — yeah, three of them have ended,” she says. “It always just felt like a normal heartbreak. The way I would say that I have coped with it is just being very grateful for everything that it gave me and being mindful of what was important to me and what I want to continue cultivating in my life, and also learning from the experience.”
She rejects the myth that polyamorous heartbreak is softer because there’s always a partner to fall back on. For her, love and grief are real and significant no matter the structure.
Is Iceland changing?
“Oh, yes, they are definitely evolving,” she says. “I’ve heard from so many, countless people that my work and me being public and sharing my story has drastically changed their perspective and their views and has opened up the possibility for them to be more free.”
She notices more openness among clients and the wider community, reflecting a cultural shift happening even in the last few years.
I’ve heard from so many, countless people that my work and me being public and sharing my story has drastically changed their perspective.
Is it worth it?
When asked by someone timid yet curious about non-monogamy her answer is unwavering.
“Absolutely,” she says. “The challenges that you’re going to face, the personal growth that you can get out of it, and just learning about yourself, about love, about respect, about communicating, being honest, and accepting yourself and others is always going to bring you so much growth and so much experience.
And good stories, honestly — good stories, fun moments, awesome experiences, and great people that you’re going to meet.
Yes, you’re risking getting your heart broken probably more often than most people, but you’re also taking the chance of letting your heart expand and grow and allowing your life to be interesting, infused with love and connection and authenticity.
And I think that’s always going to be worth it.”
Note: In August, Þórhildur will be hosting a “transformational live weekend course for anyone ready to question what they’ve been told about love, commitment, and what’s possible in relationships”. Click here for more info.